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You meant well. But good intentions don’t always land the way we hope.
Feedback is one of the most powerful tools a leader has, yet it’s also one of the easiest to misuse. If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation wondering, “Did that land the way I meant it to?” – you’re not alone. But if you’ve never walked away with that question? We should talk.
Feedback is not just a leadership tool. It’s a trust builder – or a trust breaker. And it doesn’t just travel downward. The most effective leaders are the ones who create cultures where feedback flows in every direction: down, across, and up.
Feedback Isn’t a Monologue, It’s a Mirror
Too often, we treat feedback as something to deliver to fix someone or push them to improve. But feedback isn’t a performance tool. It’s a culture-setting mechanism.
And if we’re honest? It’s just as much about how we deliver it as it is what we say.
A real feedback culture lives in how we:
• Coach and correct our teams
• Speak with our peers
• Invite reflection from our leaders
If you only give feedback down the org chart, you’re not growing a team, you’re reinforcing a hierarchy.
FOUNDER'S STORY
The Feedback That Refined My Edge
I was early in my executive career, already in a director/senior director role. I was known for solving complex problems, driving transformation, and moving fast.
But then my leader pulled me aside and said:
“People like you… but they’re not sure they always like being around you.”
It stung. And it stayed with me.
He didn’t stop there. He paired me with an executive coach. That experience? It changed the way I show up as a leader.
I wasn’t being unkind – I was being efficient. But what I didn’t realize is that my urgency could feel abrasive. My directness could feel dismissive. My intentions weren’t landing the way I thought they were.
That feedback became a pivot point.
And here’s what matters most:
This leader and I had a strong relationship. He didn’t say it to cut me down.
He said it because he cared about me – and my success.
He had built psychological safety. He knew it would sting. He gave it to me anyway.
That’s how you know the feedback is real.
When it costs something to say, but they say it because they care.
Let’s pause here for a moment
Think back to a time when you received feedback that surprised you or even stung a little.
- How was it delivered?
- How did it make you feel?
- How did you respond – in the moment and after you had space to process?
And most importantly: What are you doing now to make sure you don’t unintentionally create that same kind of experience for someone else?
Feedback without care leaves a scar.
Feedback with trust builds momentum.
Feedback Is Its Own Kind of Difficult Conversation
In a recent post, I wrote about how to find success in difficult conversations. Giving feedback is no different. It requires:
- Preparation: Not just for what you’ll say, but how it might land. Are you ready for the “uppercut” response?
- Emotional intelligence: Your urgency might feel like impatience. Your silence might feel like disapproval.
- The pause: Sometimes, the best move is not to push forward but to wait. Reflect. Let it breathe.
Feedback is a muscle. But it’s also a mirror.
What’s reflected back at you depends on how you show up.
